Saturday, November 19, 2011

Diary: Conclusion of a Lost Cause

It started so perfect on that very warm August 31st evening. You made reservations to a cute hole in the wall sushi restaurant, you some how knew I loved booths even though I never mentioned it. We both wore pink..I felt it had to be fate. Even though you were late (a very good excuse in hand) the date went so smoothly, effortless, mostly smiles, and you seemed so genuinely interested in developing the relationship. Your teeth so perfectly straight and pearl and dressed so well. Spanish with all the charm and sophistication of a gentleman. Even your name, Edward..could you be my very own Twilight Edward come to life? And my mom’s maiden name as your last name...strange almost, too perfect. We shared sushi, dessert (flan) and drinks. When you walked me to my car I thought maybe you would try to kiss me, I could feel it coming, but I wasn’t at all worried, I would let you. And you did, and it was a great first kiss. You were very daring to do so, since I mentioned I didn’t usually allow it. You smiled after we left each others lips, you said my lips were so very soft and that you would contact me soon. I left with thoughts spinning in my head, had I finally found a mature match for me? You texted me soon after we parted and said that you wanted to see me again soon and how you hoped I was ok with how forward you were.

Days turned into months. You called me every single night and we talked for hours. We saw many movies together, “Fright Night”, “Strawdogs”, “Ides of March”, “50/50” and “In Time.” Each time you held me close or simply squeezed my hand, small kisses here and there, but never tried to pull a move, we watched the movies completely with a few comments to each other, neither of us minding in the slightest.

We shared some ‘firsts’ together. My first ‘Pumpkin Ale’ at Four Peaks and your first corn maze on our trip to Schnepf Farms Pumpkin Festival. You even meet a few of my friends at Oktoberfest. You were so well behaved, got along with them so wonderfully, I had some hope in my heart that night. We also took our first pictures together that night.

Summer turned to fall. With the cooler weather came the chill down my spine. The realization that you were not the one I would spend eternity with. The countless red flags flapping in the wind in front of my face. I didn’t ignore them, but I continued further. Your extremely homophobic ways, your views on politics and abortion, I could have agreed to disagree, but you insisted on trying to ‘discuss’ why I felt the way I do. I couldn’t stand your condescending remarks, the way you spoke like you were the all knowing Buddha of knowledge just because your 10 years older than I. God forbid your wrong, you acted as if the world would become flat if you said it was. We were having so much fun and I didn’t want to end it...maybe you would finally lock me down, maybe you would make a move to prove me wrong. Instead you let me down more then once...

It was that one weekend in November that set it all tumbling down permanently. How could you think it wasn’t your responsibility to call me after canceling a date and not inviting me to that knew I was upset, but instead of caring and calling me, you decided to go about your merry way the whole weekend without a single word. In my mind it was over the moment you didn’t call. But then, you decide to text me that Monday and ask me why I HADNT called or texted...what the fuck! How dare you try to throw it on me! Then you call that night and take no responsibility for your actions like a pathetic school boy, mature 35 year old my ass. No wonder you are single at such a ripe age! Your serious commitment issues, condescending nature, and hardheaded ways sealed your coffin. And by not being able to simply apologize to me, buddy you just put a few more nails in place. I could tell you were shocked when I ended it, but you didn’t fight for it in the slightest, and we parted with a ‘wish you the best’ and a “friendship” vow.

I was instantly relieved, didn’t shed a single tear or remorse over the loss. And this proves to me that it wasn’t right for me, this some kind of ‘relationship’ of 2.5 months we shared. I thank God I never gave myself completely to you, that would have made it harder to break. I am also grateful for how for the most part you were respectful and good to me, always treating me to our dates and never pushing me too far. I pray for the next woman that you date. She will need to be an extremely needy push over for it to work for you...both traits I will never possess.


  1. You've got a good head on your shoulders, sister! Good for you!